Monday, February 10, 2014

Monday

(My pastor is a big fan of Paul.)

Yesterday, I walked to church.  The service I attend takes place in a bar/restaurant.  My pastor is an ordained Baptist minister.  Yet he considers himself non-denominational.  His name is Ken.  He's born-again and loves the Apostle Paul.  Ken absolutely adores Romans, considering it the most valuable section of the bible for those wishing to understand Christian thought.

I, on the other hand, try to swim in the shallow end of the pool. Your humble narrator really isn't a traditional evangelical.  I'm more of a Jesus freak.  I prefer The Gospels to the letters of Paul.  In fact, if it weren't for Christ, I'd probably be just another filthy atheist or misguided pagan.  I'd certainly never make it as a Jew or a Muslim.  Don't get me wrong.  I enjoy reading the Old Testament.  And Paul brought much needed light to the ignorant Gentiles of Europe and Asia Minor.  But Jesus is the straw which stirs the drink.

Anyway, the service went as expected.  There was a lot of singing and dancing.  Our congregation is replete with Africans, Americans, Russians, and Koreans.  The songs are often very lively.  But I'm an uptight middle-aged white man.  I refuse to shake my ass in public.  Nor do I sing.  I prefer to lip-sync like an untalented pop-star. 

I took the family to McDonald's.  I had a Big Mac with two large orders of French Fries.  I washed the food down with sixteen ounces of Coke.  I decided to walk home by myself.  The wife and kids took the car.  Along the way, I had to desperately use the bathroom.  I ducked into a large church in order to evacuate my bowels.

While sitting solemnly in the bathroom stall, the Dragon Lady called.  She told me to meet her at the local movie theater.  We watched Frankenstein.  It seems the monster is now helping gargoyles in their fight against demons.  No kidding.  I fell asleep ten minutes into the film.  I was absolutely exhausted.

We walked back to our Soviet-style concrete apartment.  It began to snow heavily.  I went to bed at 11 p.m.  I had a strange dream.  I was helping a stranger in the wilderness set bear traps.  Perhaps I need to start drinking again.  I didn't wake up until 1 p.m.  That's an amazing thirteen hours of shut-eye.  Wow.

I drank coffee.  Then I read the paper during a bathroom break.  The Koreans are very excited about the Olympics.  They have a good speed skating team and an excellent female figure skater.  But I don't care.  I'm more into the big three: football, baseball, and basketball.  I have no use for crap like snowboarding or ice dancing.  Who actually gives a flying screw?

I turned on Fox News.  Mike Huckabee played The Twist with Chubby Checker.  Chubby looks great.  The guy must be closing in on seventy.  He can still dance, too.  Rock and roll tends to keep people young.

Anyway, it's time to say goodbye.  The song of the day is Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes.  God Bless.

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