(Jessica Penne got her ass kicked.)
Yesterday, I attended church. The hour-long sermon focused on the issue of homosexuality. Of course, both my pastors frown upon sodomy. According to them, anal sex will earn you a one way ticket to hell. But I've got my own problems. Deviant nookie just isn't an issue which worries me.
Nevertheless, I like my new church. The leadership's comprised entirely of unabashed conservatives who aren't afraid to tackle controversial issues. I'm not a right-winger. In fact, I'm not even a capitalist. Yet I find conservatives a hell of a lot more entertaining than liberals. These speakers actually keep me awake during the sermons. Left-wing love-fests often tucker me out.
I took the family to McDonald's. I ate a Whopper plus a large order of French fries. The Children of the Rice had Chicken McNuggets. I washed the vittles down with a glass of genuine Coca-Cola. I'm a huge fan of junk food. Sometimes, a man has to splurge.
We drove back to our Soviet-style concrete tenement. I watched the UFC. Joanna Jedrzejczyk, a monster from Poland, is the current straw-weight champion of the world. She pummeled a woman named Jessica Penne for three rounds with savage kicks and punches. Penne's face was a mask of blood and bruises. Finally, the ref was forced to stop the contest. The UFC's my favorite guilty pleasure. I can't get enough.
I paid homage to the Christ God. I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees. No big surprise. I'm not some filthy nihilist. I asked Jesus to help my mom through her trying time. I also begged the savior to make my boys as straight as arrows. Having gay sons would be an absolute kick in the nuts. The last thing I need is a future without grand kids.
I went to bed at 10 p.m. I didn't dream. I woke up at 6 a.m. and turned on Meet the Press. The guest was James Clyburn. He blamed the tragic shooting in South Carolina on the confederate battle flag. He wants it banned. Not once did Clyburn mention drugs, rage, or mental illness. No kidding.
I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Scientists say that our planet is quickly approaching its sixth extinction event. They claim that the human race won't survive. We're destined for oblivion. I'm not too worried. Nobody gets out alive. The best we can hope for is a painless death.
Anyway, it's time for the song du jour. Here's Welcome to the Machine by Pink Floyd. God bless.